Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.