50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
are there any atheist mantises?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-