me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
How does one answer this?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out