We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.