Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.