Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Word!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.