The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m putting together a team
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.