Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.