Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”