Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her