My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
You Might Also Like
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.