i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is