I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
How long do you have to wait between naps?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
This is painfully accurate 😅
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Yup
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.