got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.