If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*