Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
the Monday after daylight savings
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.