Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Just so funny
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset