why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.