Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
😜
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people