I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My plans: 2020:
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.