The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein