And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.