…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.