The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.