If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My sex drive has a dui
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it