I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm