Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
You Might Also Like
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.