Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.