Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.