My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.