I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Batman v Dracula
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking