Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.