dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.