Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?