*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’