me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.