Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
⛄️
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Weirdos gonna weird.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.