Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
You Might Also Like
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.