Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
But I really needed water water water
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The prophecy is fulfilled
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
How to properly lift a body