the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Important
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?