I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
😲 WTF? 😆
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please