Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The Birdles
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I would like even faster food.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves