Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or