My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist