Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.