I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
wow he looks just like him
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
subtitles are so good nowadays
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
People Complain They鈥檝e Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let鈥檚 confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.