Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
they split up moments later
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.