Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.