I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..