I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.